right now i am facing the fact that even if i am successful doing what i most want to do in this world, i will likely not be able to support myself in the manner to which i am accustomed. and that means keeping some things the way they are, and following a path that more and more feels like a corner.
right now i know that i'm not the cornered type.
right now i am thankful for all that i have, but must admit my selfishness in wishing it were more. my more is not money. my more is not possessions. my more is not position. my more is not power. my more is not stuff.
my more is freedom from these things, but ironically, it takes these things. perhaps i am, instead, thankful for who i am.
but of all this- i have love.
right now i think that Lala and Erin are right. that time given is a gift, and that if i only do what i really love two hours a week, i'm better off than most.
right now i am dreading the morning.
right now my heart is trying to extend to my hands a gentle break.
right now the rug is dirty. the cat is hungry. the door is locked. the television is off and quiet as the street.
right now i know that contemplation is a blessing, and that which i see as choiceless is relief to most in this world.
right now i know that god would not give me talent if i were not to use it. and right now i know that right now doesn't mean right now. and patience never was a virtue to which i could hold.
right now i miss Carter. and my feet are cold.
right now i remember what Sonny told me when i was lost and afraid, somewhere in ohio, begging for just one day without snow....
you have the World by the Balls. Don't let go.
All my Love, Sonny.