zomberific!

many of you are aware of my intense fear of zombies, as well as the fact that i have an entire anti-zombie plan for every place in which i've lived, and have made plans for friends. i am, in fact, really only scared of only a few things- spiders, outer space, anything that if i died doing it, a special team would need to come get my body (thanks for helping me verbalize that one, Erin!), and zombies. yes there are other scary creatures i don't fear- vampires? just don't invite them in your house and you're fine. werewolves? only a problem once a month if you live by a foggy golf course. frankenstein? nah. abominable snow man? in oberlin maybe. sasquatch/ bigfoot? watch 'harry and the hendersons.' they are misunderstood gentle giants.

what scares me about zombies so badly is that anyone and everyone can be one- your mom, your best friend, your neighbor, Anyone can turn into a zombie and turn you into one or eat you, neither of which appeal to me. being eaten alive by humans is up there with my least favourable path to death. there are voodoo Actual zombies. they are also in huge masses and never stop or get tired. granted, zombies are generally slow and have no problem solving skills (and i'm talking about the real deal rose from the dead zombie, this is different from the whole '28 days later' infection type of zombies. interestingly enough, they never actually say the word 'zombie' in that movie), but there are so many of them that if you're not ready, and you live on the first floor of something like i do, you're screwed. so by popular demand, here is my anti-zombie plan. this will make more sense if you've seen my house, but here goes.

my back door is a few steps (about a half a floor) off the ground. i'd chop them off and use the wood to block the kitchen window (nailed). i'd then remove the doors to the pantry and the coat closet and jam the refrigerator into the mud room hole, and then the stove and kitchen shelf in front/ on top of it. dining room table over dining room window. pantry and closet doors over bedroom window. my tv is actually on a folded up dining room table- that and the linen closet door would go over the living room windows with the rest of the wood from the back steps. the small shelf in the living room and the coffee table (disassembled) would go over the front door. all the doors and windows would be locked first, of course. i could then use the rest of the bedroom furniture (vanity, desk, bookshelf, trunk, chest of drawers) over/pushed against the bedroom window and could lock that door, except for the bed. the rest of the living room furniture (liquor cabinet, record shelf, speakers, couch) would go over/ pushed against the front door. the hallway door would be locked and blocked with the hallway bookshelf and sewing machine. this leaves the walk-in closet, hallway, dining room and bathroom all open, and most of the kitchen open (and i can still have the fridge and stove plugged in if there is still electricity). i also would still have my lingerie chest, dining room chairs, and kitchen cabinet doors in case i lack anything. i also need to buy and learn how to properly use a gun. a machete would be good to chop off their heads if they get in, too. now all i need is a hoard of food, water, and cat stuff, and we can get past 'em! oh, and a generator. there were some Great ideas in 'i am legend.' in that one, they can't come out in the day, so he's got a Barracade like barracuda! he uses big garage doors that lock down all of the windows (and allow them to be open in the day, brilliant), and those metal slide locks that go all the way across the door. i recommend those for sure. he's also pretty good about not advertising his presence.

so that's it. our apartment at villa adrian with Rito and Kari was definitely safer and more easily secured (on the third floor with only one door in and the patio too high to reach. plus, the one door opened facing a wall- just the couch blocking that door would have been enough to make it impossible for zombie entry.) if anyone wants a plan, let me know. and here's my zombie face.




xoxox